Entertainment

Minch’s Pop Tarts: The Summer Movie Smackdown 2014 Part 2: The Leftovers.

Entertainment
Mike Minch

Well friends, as far as the summer movie season is concerned, we are at halftime. It’s been an interesting first half. In a stunning move, America said, “Okay, why the hell not?” and went to go see the new Godzilla in droves, Maleficent made the dump truck full of money I told you it was going to, Seth McFarlane suffered his worst defeat since “The Cleveland Show” and I am legally no longer allowed to make fun of Superman Returns, not even a little, not even the fact that Kal Penn inexplicably showed up. So let’s take a look at what the second half has to offer (I’ll leave out the Ninja Turtles movie, since I brought up in part one.)

Dawn of the Planer of the Apes

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The script had been written for the fate of this movie’s predecessor. Rise was released in wasteland known as mid August, it was a reboot of a franchise that hadn’t had any heat since the Tim Burton reboot everyone hated (that still made boatloads of money), and worst of all, it starred James Franco. The odds were against this movie from the start, but dammit, it found a way. Rise made nearly half a billion at the box office, and naturally, earned itself a sequel. Set ten years later, Dawn is the battle between apes and humans for supremacy of earth. Standing in for Franco is …

 

…a guy from Zero Dark Thirty (not Chris Pratt)

 

Felicity

 

…and media darling Gary “Bring Me All Your Nerd Movies” Oldman

 

Well, what its cast lacks in name recognition, it makes up for with motion capture hero Andy Serkis as Caesar. You may remember him as Gollum from Lord of the Rings/The Minch and Topeck Show and 13 Going on 30.

 

I’m rooting for this movie to do well so that it can sync up with the Tim Burton film and we can get more Paul Giamatti in monkey make up.

  

*You can still tell it’s him because of all the sadness in his eyes*

 

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Disney’s Planes: Fire and Rescue

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Noticeably absent from this year’s slate of movies is an offering from Pixar. With them hard at work on The Good Dinosaur and Finding Dory, we get this shit in their absence.

 

But wait, isn’t this a Pixar movie?”

 

No, it’s just a plain old Disney studio film, the studio that brought you Home on the Range and Chicken Little, invoking their other property to make you think this is the same deal.

 

“Hey you, dumb little kid. You like Cars, right? Well here’s some stupid shit just like that, here buy some toys!!!”

 

Okay, fine, maybe I sound a little bit bitter, but it’s only because I don’t think the Planes movies are appropriate for children. Exposing your children to Dane Cook when they are young is irresponsible parenting.

 

That said, it looks like the Planes are taking more of a hero role in this one, and with the full title of “Fire and Rescue” I guess there wont be a central villain, I mean unless they fighting the bad guy from Ferngully!!!!

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*Scared the shit out of me when I was little*

 

 

Hercules

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Wait, didn’t we literally just do this? Let me do some research…

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No, too far…

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Still too far…

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Yeah, that one. That came out this year, and made…oof 18 million domestically. Okay guess we really don’t have to worry about it.

Finally, the Rock has come back to Ancient Greece, and he’s ready to kick the candy asses of any that oppose the mighty son of Zeus. Also, insert other late 90’s wrestling joke here. This version is directed by……oh God Dammit, it’s Brett Ratner. Well there’s no hope for this one folks, it’s directed by the guy behind X3. I will not put my ability to shit talk X3 on the line for this movie. It doesn’t matter what movie Ratner’s directing, even my biopic. Come to think of it…

Minch’s Pop Tarts: The Movie

 

Starring Oliver Platt as Mike Minch

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In a world, where…I’ve lost track.

 

So anyways, X3 stunk, if you smell what the Rock is cooking…

 

 

Guardians of the Galaxy

 

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The funny thing about making billions and billions with your other properties, it makes you occasionally willing to gamble. This is Marvel’s big gamble, a lesser known property in a film whose most marketable stars are only providing voice overs, which is directed by a guy who seems just a hint insane. Ladies and gentleman, Guardians of the Galaxy!

Don’t get me wrong, I really believe that shortly after this movie, Chris Pratt is going to become a household name, but for him to be headlining the Marvel movie that will serve as the lead up to The Avengers 2: Age of Ultron is kind of nuts. GOTG also stars Zoe Saldana, WWE wrestler Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel voicing a Tree Monster, and Bradley Cooper voicing a Raccoon.

It’s directed by James Gunn, whose previous directorial offerings include Slither and Super, which both have cult fan bases, but aren’t exactly the mainstream smash hits you’d look for on the resume of the guy directing your riskiest film yet. Then again, that’s what makes this a gamble, and you have to admire Marvel and Disney for taking the risk. Hey if this pans out maybe they’ll take another risk and read my script for the Howard the Duck reboot. Three words: More Duck Boobs…

 

 

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For

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Well I’ll be damned, they actually pulled it off. It took nine years, but they finally put together another Sin City movie. Here’s the trouble, I remember liking the original Sin City movie, and frankly that’s all I remember. Having only watched it in the original theatrical run NINE YEARS AGO, I couldn’t tell you what it was about. I know there was a yellow guy, and Clive Owen was doing stuff, and I think it was like 8 hours long. So anyways, here’s another one!!!!

Before I commit to being interested, can we get an official word on how much Frank Miller directed. I’m not really over how off The Spirit movie was. I mean, you think you have a handle on the movie, then Samuel L. Jackson walks out dressed as a Nazi…

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Well look at that, I previewed like five movies this time, I am getting better at this. So that’s what the rest of the summer has to offer, let’s get out there and enjoy the second half!!!!!

 

Minch

 

Wait a minute….

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POST CREDITS STINGER BITCHES!!!

 

Next month will be Minch’s Mailbag Chapter 2, so if you have any questions you’d like me to answer, be them pop culture or not, you can send them a few ways.

 

1)Leave a comment below

2) Over at Facebook’s Minch vs. The World page: https://www.facebook.com/pages/Minch-vs-The-World/222927144462521?ref_type=bookmark

3) Reach me at the Twitter Box @mrminch

 

I would love it if you cool kids sent me some questions, otherwise I’ll make them up and secretly hate you.

 

Peace and Love,

Minch

 

 

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