MPT Presents: What Christmas Means To Me Part 2: Marley’s Revenge.
The Peanuts gang is right everybody. No, not about the Great Pumpkin, but about the fact that Christmas time is here! That means it’s been a year since I wrote my first Christmas article for these wonderful folks at Eat Your Maniac. That article, by the way is easily my favorite thing I’ve written for this site, and would like to take the opportunity to share it you all again.
Head on over to http://maglomaniac.com/what-christmas-means-to-me/ and have yourselves a wonderful Christmas ti…
Oh wait, never mind. There is a strict no reruns clause in my contract.
Note to self: Get rerun clause removed when negotiating next contract. Also, see if you can get free cigars.
Anyways, what I meant to say, is that I want to expand upon last year’s article with my take on more holiday fun. Now let’s go spike the egg nog and dive right in…
Wil Vinton’s Claymation Christmas
How?! How in the hell did I miss this last year? It is one of the greats. Two dinosaurs, one with a mediocre Jim Backus impression
Anyone? Jim Backus? Thurston Howell III? Mr. Magoo? Anyone????
…and one that is a perpetually snacking fatty, present animated music videos set to Christmas carols. Also, there is a run in from the Hulk Hogan(s) of the Claymation Universe: The California Raisins.
How were the California Raisins a thing? I mean sure I had the toys and watched the cartoons, but I was only 6, I had an excuse. They were R and B singing, ever so slightly racist raisins that America fell ass over tea kettle for.
Anyways, as dated as claymation may be, the music and humor hold up just fine and it’s worth a watch!
Hey while we are talking about Christmas cartoons let’s take a second to mention Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. A few years ago, a good friend of mine, let’s call him “Chris” pointed out to me a simple truth about this cartoon. Just about everyone not named Rudolph in this special is an unrelenting asshole.
Now hold on, think about it. Santa is a right bastard until he needs Rudy. Rudolph’s dad is mean as shit the entire time. Everyone takes turns kicking the piss out of Hermey because he wants to be a dentist. And let’s not forget the coach and other reindeer kids not letting Rudy play Reindeer Games, though with that one, they might have had a point…
It says a lot when one of your nicest characters is an abominable snow man. Go ahead, give it a watch this year and you’ll realize we’re right.
Hey Everybody! It’s time for Christmas specials!!!
Sadly, the days of the old variety shows are pretty much dead, and the closest thing we have to it are once a year Christmas themed specials. The only thing missing from the modern day version is a visibly drunk host. This year Kelly Clarkson is getting an NBC special, (Sidenote: All you have to do is ask NBC and they’ll give you a half hour. Slip them a $20 for a full hour)
I’m sure there will be singing, mediocre comedy, as well as subtle and unsubtle references to her new Christmas album, which is likely the reason this is happening in the first place.
I have an idea for a Christmas special. I’ve been working on it for a while, and it may be the greatest of all time.
Minchco Productions and Uncle Merle’s Old Tyme Whiskey Present:
Walken in a Winter Wonderland
(Please Read in your finest Walken Voice)
“Hello Everyone, and welcome to my Christmas Special. We have a lot of great guests. My Morning Jacket is going to sing a song, and Larry David is going to tell us all about Jewish Christmas or Channa Khan. That’s going to be great. And now please welcome Andy Serkis.”
If I can just nail down Uncle Merle’s as a sponsor, that will be ready next year.
Moving on, it wouldn’t Minch’s Pop Tarts if I didn’t go on about a few movies. Here’s a few of this season’s offerings.
Saving Mr. Banks
The true story of how Walt Disney smooth talked his way into making Mary Poppins, despite some objections from the original book’s author, P. L. Travers.
Now keep in mind this is a Disney release, so while it’s a “True Story” it conveniently edits out the part where Disney had to call on Pete to break Travers knuckles to get her to agree to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.”
No not domesticated Goof Troop Pete…
Yeah, that’s more like it.
Only trouble I see with this movie is that Tom Hanks is one of those actor who I can’t really see past being Tom Hanks.
Oh hey, it’s army guy Tom Hanks.
Oh hey, it’s women’s baseball coach Tom Hanks
Oh hey, it’s boat captain Tom Hanks.
Oh hey, it’s LadyKillers Tom Hanks (why don’t more people like this?)
This obviously has nothing to do with talent or ability, but I don’t see Walt Disney, I see Tom Hanks, but I’m willing to accept that, as it looks like its going to be a damn fine movie.
A Madea Christmas
Okay. I know this isn’t my cup of tea, but there are many people who enjoy these movies…so…there’s…no…need…to criticize >Forced Restraint<
Looks like Madea is having a country Christmas this year and…
What? Larry the Cable guy is in this too?
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty
Maybe it’s the fact that they used “Of Monsters and Men” in the trailer. Maybe it’s the fact that it has Adam Scott being an asshole. Maybe it’s because of Kristin Wiig, (the most likely reason) but dammit if I’m not looking forward to this film. Ben Stiller gets more when he tries less.
By the way, I’ll admit it, I don’t get the appeal of Zoolander. In doing my research for this month article, I have come across the fact there is going to be a Zoolander 2. Neat, so I have that to be upset about all next year…
This is Stiller’s first directing gig since Tropic Thunder, and okay, you got me there. I do like that movie.
Hey there Amazing Spiderman 2 trailer, where did you come from?
Far be it for me to go off topic, but I was pretty impressed by the new Spiderman trailer that debuted this week. It’s pretty well documented that I had virtually no hope for the first/fourth one, and was reasonably entertained.
The trailer makes ASM2 look pretty action packed, and it looks like Peter Parker has to deal with a web (fart.) of family intrigue rather than fits of emo crybaby bullshit. Also no dancing…
Good God, what did we as a nation do to deserve Spiderman 3? Whatever it was, I’m sorry, on behalf of everyone.
Well, this stopped being about Christmas, so it’s probably a good place to stop. I want to thank Magalomaniac for having me again this year. It is a pleasure and an honor to be a part of this website, and in a bullpen of crazy talented writers. Writers, who in addition to having excellent material, use proper grammar and sentence structure, never veering off into crazy tangents like some undiagnosed alcoholic…
I wish you all a magnificent holiday season. Whatever you celebrate, celebrate the hell out of. See you next year. (Wakka Wakka)
For Minch’s further adventures check out